It can feel so right to blame others for problems they have caused us. However, the anger and bitterness that go with blaming others can have bad effects on our health, according to a new book ‘Embitterment: Societal, Psychological, and Clinical Perspectives.” It turns out that the dangers often associated with Type A behavior (hard-charging, achievement-seeking behavior) are actually due to the sometimes associated chronic feelings of anger directed at individuals who impede us or harm us. So what is a wronged person to do? There are two main options: Assert yourself with the person who has acted against you or let the offense pass. For the first option, a good book is “Your Perfect Right” about how to be assertive. For the second option, Samuel Johnson said something memorable: “It is better to suffer wrong than to do it and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust.” More succinctly, George Herbert said: “The best revenge is living well.” It can also help to try to take the perspective of the offender and to ask: Who among us is perfect? The passage of time often helps, probably because we focus our thoughts on other matters, we become habituated to the perceived wrong, and we recognize that we also make errors.
How do you get over blaming someone?
John Malouff, PhD
Associate Professor of Psychology
Hi,
I suspect that in the long-term blaming others hurts us. Blaming others could be a useful way to deal with the immediate effects of a negative experience as it may provide some temporary relief from anxiety. However, in the long-term, it allows us to avoid responsibility for our actions and dulls awareness of our own choices. By avoiding responsibility we believe we can avoid the repercussions of our actions. By blaming others we transfer our power to them which is ultimately a self-defeating behaviour pattern. Feeling powerless can lead to depression. How do you get over blaming someone? Reclaim the power over your own choices. Take responsibility for your own actions and consider how your own behaviours have affected others. Try looking at the situation from a different perspective (as John suggests). The other person’s responsibility may represent only a partial picture of reality. Focus finding a solution to the problem rather than blaming someone. If all else fails ask for an objective opinion from someone else (not your best friend).
Hi K. Thanks for your comment. I agree that it is wise to look at our own contributions to problems. We can correct or adjust our own behavior in the future. It is hard to change the behavior of other adults.