Self-compassion is in the news thanks to a forthcoming book on the subject by Kristin Neff: “Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind.” Self-compassion involves being kind to yourself, even if you make mistakes. Individuals with high levels of self-compassion tend to feel happier and less stressed than other individuals. Perfectionists with self-compassion try hard, criticize their own mistakes but not themselves, and do their best to learn from the mistakes. You can take a test to check your level of self compassion. Go to Neff’s web page at http://www.self-compassion.org/ and click on “How self-compassionate are you?” My score on the questionnaire was above average — I tend not to get down on myself.
If you want to increase your level of self-compassion, what can you do? I suggest setting a daily goal to show self-compassion and keeping a record every day indicating to what extent you met the goal. Another strategy is to try to speak to yourself (in your thoughts) as respectfully and positively as you speak to others. Neff’s web site and book present additional ideas.
What do you do that shows self-compassion? What are the effects of that?
John Malouff, PhD, Associate Professor of Psychology
My self compassion is shown when I achieve a goal or have an epiphany (an ahaaa moment). I find myself pounding both arms up the the air, literally cheering for myself just as a crowd would at the end of a race.
The effect? To keep striving for more moments where I can sit in the library or stand in the middle of the street pumping those fists in the air!
Hi lz. I like the idea of celebrating one’s accomplishments. It’s fun, and that sort of self-reinforcement can provide motivation in the future.
Hi,
I recently experienced an event which triggered quite a few negative self-thoughts. I tried a number of strategies to keep them in perspective and talking to myself was one of them! For example, I reminded myself that human beings make mistakes now and again. Instead of feeling guilty and giving myself a hard time I decided to try and accept my past behaviour. Reminding myself to learn from my mistakes instead of feeling guilty about them is helping me to move forward. To be kinder to myself I also imagined what I would say to a friend in a similar situation and then extended those comments to myself. Concentrating on positive support from friends and family is also helpful. I recently received an email from a friend mentioning a time when I had been kind and helpful to her. This was a timely reminder of something positive that helped me balance the good with the not so good!. This quote (on my fridge) sums it up for me: “Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field. I’ll meet you there (Rumi, 13th century Sufi poet).
Hi K333. Thanks for the example of self-compassion — there is a psychologist in you.
Kimberley, I think the strategy of imagining what you would say to a friend in a similar situation and ‘speaking’ to yourself in the same way is fantastic. Well done to you for focusing on keeping the right perspective when confronted with a difficult situation that challenges your self-compassion.
Cheers,
Lisa