Social confidence is valuable. It helps a person make friends, find a mate, and develop a career. 

Many people have a low level of social confidence. Others perceive these individuals as unassertive, avoidant, or weak.

I know about problems with social confidence because I have had them.

When I I was young, I did not speak to a girl unless she spoke to me first. I could meet a “hello” with a “hello,” but that was about it.

I also had a phobia about givng a speech. In high school I did whatever I could to delay or avoid giving a speech in speech class. This fear continued into college, where I had to take another speech class.

Did I ever get over these aspects of low social confidence? 

Yes. I slowly became able to speak to girls. I gradually said more and received some level of reinforcement for my efforts. I gained skill through practice. In my early 20’s, I stopped being fearful about speaking to females. 

My fear of public speaking ended abruptly toward the end of my college days. I was completing a speech class that gradually asked us to speak to larger audiences. Just before the end of my class, I became ill and missed my final speech. When I went to see the instructor a few days later, he insisted that I give the speech in a different speech class that had not yet had its final session. I felt alarmed about speaking to complete strangers and argued that I already had enough points in the pass-fail unit to pass. The teacher would not relent. As I went into the class of strangers to give my speech, my anxiety changed to anger. I gave the speech and never felt fear again about public speaking. The gradual exposure of many little speeches combined with a cognitive shift from caring a great deal how I was viewed to caring almost not at all. My fear was gone. 

The path to social confidence could be similar for you. Keep pushing toward what you fear socially and you will experience a gradual increase in confidence and skill. Change your thinking from caring much about how you are perceived to caring less and less. Instead, care about delivering the content. Think of yourself as good enough to speak up — like everyone else.

If you commit a social flub, apply self-compassion. No one is perfect; the best people socially are those who learn from experience.  

For help in building social confidence, follow the suggestions in these documents:

Your Perfect Right (book on assertiveness; may be in libraries): https://goodreadingmagazine.com.au/titlepage/your-perfect-right/

How to Overcome Social Anxiety (online guidelines for decreasing social anxiety): https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-overcome-feeling-anxious-about-social-occasions

Fear of Public Speaking: How do I Overcome It? (online suggestions for reducing anxiety about public speaking): https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/specific-phobias/expert-answers/fear-of-public-speaking/faq-20058416

Photo by Centre for Ageing Better on Unsplash