Jennifer Senior has written a book about the lives of parents, and I recently read a review of the book in the Washington Post. The review indicates that research suggests parenting either has no effect overall on enjoyment of life or decreases it. I can see both potentials. On the down side, parenting often leads to loss of sleep and loss of autonomy/carefree life, and it often leads to a lot of work, with a great deal of conflict-related and other stressors. On the up side, parenting can add meaning to life, it often provides powerful experiences (like going on a very long adventure trip), it can create strong bonds (family bonds), and it can satisfy our genes, which want to live on (read “The Selfish Gene,” a great book).
Of course, different children can create different effects for parents, and parents can vary in how they experience parenthood. Chance factors play a role. For instance, losing a child to disease or injury is one of the most stressful experiences a person can have, according to research studies.
It seems that the effects of having children depend — on us, the children, chance factors, and lots of other situational factors, such as the nature of the other parent and the social situation in which one lives. I am glad that most individuals can choose whether to have children.
What do you think are the most likely effects of parenthood?
John Malouff, PhD, JD, Assoc Prof of Psychology
Kids! I’m sure it is individual and context dependent, so it seems almost trite to say what I have learned from mine, but I have. One has taught me to live every day fully (since she is profoundly disabled and terminally ill, but she doesn’t know that!); one to expect the unexpected (99th percentile gifted seemed to explain his uniqueness, until the Dalai Lama recognised him as a reincarnated lama). The next two, aimed for somewhere in the middle, and they seem to have a knack of bringing out the best and worst in me, which enhances self-esteem, and encourages personal growth. My vote goes to children bringing life enhancement. Who cares about the abandoned career path to be a carer (it was fleeting anyway), the lack of sleep (long in the past now), the autonomy (they all encourage me to follow my passions). I wouldn’t have it any other way, but I’m a “glass half-full” kind of guy.
Hi MS. Parents get very attached to their children!
Would have to think that a large part of it is also how badly a parent wanted to be a parent. For those who were unsure or who had children without really planning, it could be that parenthood came with many costs they did not expect — or that they did expect and the negatives came true. For others, parenthood might have been a longtime dream, or even something that came with much hardship such as through adoption or after many years of trying. These types of factors would most likely play a role in how parents adjust to having children.
Hi AK. I agree that goals and expectations play a big role in the effects of having children.
Who cares about the abandoned career path to be a carer (it was fleeting anyway), the lack of sleep (long in the past now), the autonomy (they all encourage me to follow my passions)
Hi Konya. You seem like a contented parent. The costs and the rewards of parenting are substantial.