An Australian nurse, Bronnie Ware, has written a book about the regrets individuals express as they approach death (“The Top Five Regrets of the Dying”). I just read a summary of the book in the Huntington Post. The top five regrets are (1) not leading a life true to myself, rather than to the expectations of others, (2) working so hard, (3) not expressing my feelings, (4) not staying in touch in friends, and (5) not letting myself feel happy.
I figure that there has to be some wisdom in the collected regrets of the dying, so I asked myself whether I would have these regrets myself. For the most part, I don’t think so. For instance, I work as hard as I want, no more and no less. I enjoy my work. Not every moment, but no activity can be fun all the time. I could make improvements in expressing my feelings. OK, I’ll work on that.
I wonder whether individuals who have these regrets near the end are being too hard on themselves. It not easy to lead a perfect life. Think of all the decisions you make, under all sorts of pressures, in your decades of life. Who doesn’t ever make foolish mistakes? I hope that many of these dying individuals with regrets come to accept their past choices in life. This self-acceptance may be part of letting themselves feel happy before they die.
For those of us not facing an imminent death, we can choose to make all sorts of changes. Not about the past — that is done. But about the present and the future.
What about you? Any looming regrets you can eliminate?
John Malouff, PhD, JD
Assoc Prof of Psychology
OK then, if I died tomorrow … the work-life balance has been OK, work is great, love it, but it is only work; pretty good with expression of feelings (but perhaps my old counselling and psychotherapy collegiate group would disagree, as I was young, and didn’t have as much “stuff” back then, at least that’s what I thought!!), don’t have many close friends so it’s easy to keep in touch: but really, I do want to live authentically, so I have always lived by the maxim that if I don’t like what I’m doing it’s OK to change … that makes me happy! Which is exactly why I took the evening off working on a paper to watch, and how timely was this “Meet Joe Black”, as a family film night … if you don’t know the film, Brad Pitt plays the role of “Death” who takes a vacation as a human … with Anthony Hopkins being spectacular as usual … and as for regrets … there is still time to get to Patagonia …
Hi MS. Now I want to watch “Meet Joe Black.”
This makes me think of the song Cats in the cradle ( brings tear to my eyes every time). As a parent of young children juggling full time uni and part time work. I remind myself reguarly of what I once read somewhere. Nobody lying on their deathbed wishes that they spent more hours at work ( or even study). Your kids are only little for a short period of time enjoy them every chance you’ve got…. I have always promised myself that when I’m with my kids I’m WITH my kids.
Hi Emily. I also like that Harry Chapin song:
“When you comin’ home dad?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son
You know we’ll have a good time then”