Do you fear your own death? If so, you are not alone. Fear of dying is a powerful feature of humans. It helps us remain safe and healthy. This value of fear is on my mind after reading about a Maryland woman whose car was struck from behind by a huge truck. She was on a long bridge at the time, and after being struck, her car teetered on the bridge wall for some seconds, before falling over into the water 40 feet below. Windows broke, water rushed in, and she thought she was going to die. She calmed herself, decided that she would get out the situation alive, unbuckled her seat belt, exited through a broken window, and swam like she never had before (we never know how far we can swim or run, until we see the Grim Reaper nearby). She reached a small boat and survived (uninjured) to have quite a story to tell. For her, fear of dying, or you might say the will to live, served a valuable purpose.
For some individuals, however, fear of death is so strong that it crowds out enjoyment of life. You may have heard the saying that a coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero but one. Waking every day to a fear of dying can drain the joy out of anyone. What is the secret to keeping fear of death under control so that it helps us more than it harms us?
Different people find different answers. Many religious individuals look forward to a greater existence after death than before. Other individuals look at the inevitability of death for everyone and accept their ultimate fate. Still others look at what they have accomplished and experienced and think that they had a fair chance at life. Some people take comfort in their children and other contributions to the world that will serve as their legacy. What about me? I go along with those ideas. I would be more accepting of death if I had passed the average lifespan for men — then I could go out a winner! Another thought that consoles me about the end is that I wasn’t alive for the first 13.8 billion years of the universe, and that is OK with me (there would have been some hard times in there!), so I can’t complain about missing billions of years after I cash in my chips. Most of me, by the way, is made of elements like carbon and oxygen that are produced only inside stars and find their way out of the star only through massive explosions (supernovas) — it is a miracle I ever came together.
Some individuals specifically fear the uncertainty of what happens after death. Shakespeare described death as the undiscovered country. In that sense, everyone who dies is an adventurer, a Marco Polo crossing the River Styx. Not everyone can climb Everest, but everyone can make the Final Voyage.
Fear of dying can be so strong that it amounts to a phobia, causing daily suffering for year after year. Is there a treatment? Yes, gradual exposure. How, you might ask, can we safely expose someone to dying? Through exposure to images or thoughts related to death. The person creates a fear hierarchy of images and thoughts relating to death. Then the person repeatedly exposes herself or himself for several minutes to the image or thought that causes the least fear. Once the fear decreases with regard to that stimulus, the person goes on the next stimulus in the hierarchy, such as a drawing or photo of a dead person. It is important to have at least 10 levels of the fear hierarchy, with no adjacent levels very different initially in how much fear they trigger, with the lowest level triggering only low fear and with the highest level being the ultimate fear such as an image of personally dying or being dead. As a result of these exposure trials, the person tends to become habituated to the thought of dying, and the fear subsides. Really? Yes, although no treatment works for everyone. It might also help to talk with a kind person about one’s specific fears or to write about them in detail.
What are your thoughts about dying? How do you keep fear of death under control?
John Malouff, PhD, JD, Assoc Prof of Psychology
Hi John,
Your blog post made me think of Steve Job’s statement in an article: “When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.”
I think this frame of mind is not only a good way to make sure you are getting the most out of your life, but to remind yourself that one day you will certainly die. I have always accepted death as the next natural step and only fear it when if spent too long working and not enough time living!
To end, another quote, this one from Peter Pan: “death would be an awfully big adventure!”
Hi Ash. I like those quotes and your approach to life. Here is a quote from Woody Allen: “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
I find so many people are more afraid of ageing than dying, although one is more a symptom of the other. I am afraid of both. And as my biological clock counts down, I am acutely aware that any remaining time to leave a legacy is retracting. Time is the currency of our existence and we need to spend it wisely, otherwise when death comes knocking, we will not accept it.
A person close to me had always feared death, but when they brushed paths, he found only comfort and peace. I wonder if other coma sufferers experience the same? His fear is gone now, but I am glad he does not seek out that peace again.
Your post reminds me of a powerful song that contemplates death, “I hope there’s someone” by Anthony and the Johnsons: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Luirzce0UF8
It may help to read the lyrics while listening for the full impact: http://www.metrolyrics.com/hope-theres-someone-lyrics-antony-and-the-johnsons.html
I liked your reference to our material essence. It is enlightening to realise we are all made of stardust. Our matter at least will persist even when our selves are gone.
Hello Stardust. Thanks for your thoughts and the haunting song. I agree with you about spending time wisely. That is not always possible, but it is a good goal.
I feel for me that getting death in perspective is all about getting life in perspective. I think maybe we spend so much time thinking about how important our own individual life is that we forget that our own life is reliant (and not really separable) from all other life. We spend so much time defending and propping up our sense of self that we begin to believe that our own identity and our own thoughts and consciousnesses are too good to be temporary. Once we learn to value the rest of life enough we get our sense of self-worth in perspective…the idea that “I am part of life” rather than “I own a life” seems palatable.
An old friend who fought on the Kakoda Trail WW2 passed away a couple of years ago. Whilst climbing through the jungle trail he came face to face with a Japanese soldier who shot immediately striking my old friend Doug in the helmet beside his ear. The bullet leaving the back of his splayed the metal severely. Doug then was in the position of course of needing to kill his opponent which he did by returning fire at point blank range.
As Doug himself was about to pass on in 2009 we had the opportunity to spend a couple of hours together. He said that he wanted to make sure his helmet (which he still had) was buried with him. I said I felt sure his family would do this. I went on to ask how he felt about that old helmet really. He said it was a reminder to him of the value of survival. He also said that when he closed his eyes for the last time it would be the first time since that day on the Kakoda Trail that he would be able to close his eyes without seeing the face of the Japanese soldier he has killed. He said that is why he knew beyond doubt that all life is really connected. Two supposed enemies, one who lived and one who died, shared the complete life of the survivor.
He said the closest thing to fear of living is fear of death, and made me promise not to listen to any heroic stories at his funeral.
He quoted Brecht saying “There is no such virtue as bravery, only intelligent cowardice”
Hey, what does all that mean? Who knows? From his experience I gained anyway.
Hi Mike. I agree that dying is part of living, and I like the idea of being part of a greater whole.