I just read about a new book: “The A.D.H.D. Effect on Marriage: Understand and Build your Relationship in Six Steps,” by Melissa Orlov (2010). The author makes the point that the impulsive, sometimes senseless, and often heedless behaviour of adults with ADHD can create continuing problems in a marriage. She suggests treatment for the partner with the disorder and couples treatment, along with specific strategies for maintaining the relationship. Similar advice applies anytime one partner has a psychological disorder. Other common psychological problems are depression, agoraphobia, obsessive compulsive disorder, substance abuse, anger problems, eating disorders, borderline personality disorder — the list could go on and on. All these problems tend to radiate effects to a romantic partner. So what can you do if your partner has a psychological problem? Here are some options:
Encourage the partner to try to change, through a self-help book or web site or a self-help group.
Encourage the partner to seek professional help.
Seek couples counselling.
Accept the partner as he or she is. The serenity prayer says in essence to correct problems if you can, accept problems that you can’t change, and judge correctly which problems fit each category.
Focus on positive aspects of the relationship (keep the problems in perspective).
Follow the golden rule and treat your partner as you would want to be treated under the circumstances.
Negotiate changes in specific behaviours — compromise — give some on your side.
Provide your partner with social support — that can help reduce the intensity of psychological problems.
Wait. Some psychological problems diminish over time, with or without treatment. See, e. g., a fascinating book: “Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder” by Rachel Reiland (2004).
Focus your energies on parts of your life over which you have control.
Leave your partner.
What else have you seen work?
John Malouff, PhD, Associate Professor of Psychology
Think it very much depends on the degree of the phychological disorder and sometimes other disorders follows allong. If you want to make it work, you of course have to accept your partner as he/she is and then work together on how to handle issues by encouragement and good example. ‘Together’ being the keyword’. Very important that’s it’s not just you who wants to make it work or make changes, your partner has to be in it as well and showing so with change of behaviour.
If the disorder is controlling important aspects of daily life and your partner use the disorder as an excusee, instead of trying to solve or seeking help, then leave your partner, you can’t help and you’re life will end up being controlled too.
I think to focus energy on parts you have control on is very helpful and with huge energy bursts, sports can be very positive to control this at well and have someone from the outside who is objective to help see the positive aspects and put the size of problems into perspectives as it can be very hard to see when you stand in the middle of it all.
Hi Eria. I agree with everything you say. Couples have much more potential to solve problems when they work together — setting goals and deciding on and implementing changes. There is strength in numbers, and two is twice as big as one. I like your idea of setting a good model for one’s partner. That could include pursuing self-improvement, showing cooperation, using good problem-solving methods and good coping methods, etc.
I agree — psychological disorders are common. Most individuals will have at least one at some point. Some individuals have multiple psychological disorders at once. The same is true for purely medical disorders.
Hi all,
I would agree that couples can solve problems if they work “together”. However, if one partner does not perceive he or she contributes to a problem it is very difficult to get them to cooperate. Having been in a relationship with an individual with narcissistic personality disorder I found this out the hard way. In an effort to salvage the relationship I tried a variety of strategies similar to those mentioned by John. However, in the end the best strategy was to leave. On the plus side I have tried to use these strategies in the process of divorce with some success. On a positive note I have learned a variety of relationship skills to carry with me into my next relationship!
Hi Kimberley. Partners with inflexible behavior patterns typical of a personality disorder can be very hard to change. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure: What warning signs of narcissistic personality disorder might a person observe in a romantic partner early in the relationship?
Hi John,
I believe people with this disorder have a well developed ability to mask their narcissistic tendencies at least in the early part of the relationship. In my experience, they can be extremely charming and attentive at first. However, there are a few tell-tale signs early on that would now raise a red flag for me. Firstly, I would tend to avoid someone who consistently blames others for his/her problems. I did notice this tendency early on, but chose to ignore it (for which I take full responsibility!). Individuals with narcissistic personality traits/disorder like to view themselves as victims and it is only a matter of time until you also become the cause of all their problems. I would also look out for a sense of entitlement, e.g. the belief that they deserve special treatment. Linked to this is the view that they are somehow smarter or better than others. In addition, be cautious of excessive flattery and admiration. He/she is living in a fantasy world and is busy putting you up on a pedestal …..and it hurts when you get kicked off! Finally, be wary of overly attentive behaviour and invasion of privacy, for example, turning up at your home unexpectedly.
Best wishes
Kimberly – Gosh, I wish you could talk to my sister-in-law who is currently entrapped in a relationship with a narcissist. Watching what she goes through is painful.
John and All,
I have ADD, so I am happy to write about how my partner and I manage it:
* I’ve let him know of the ‘symptoms’. I have even printed some off Google – because it is a bit more objective, and helped him to see it in “black and white”. I’ve explained treatment, management and triggers that may make it worse. I think it’s best to be informed.
* We’ve learned to laugh about it. Fortunately we complement each other quite well. I am terribly disorganised, but very creative. My partner is incredibly organised and not as creative. We joke that I create/conceptualise, while he makes the plan and puts it into action. Together, we make a great team.
* My partner has the patience of a saint. This helps enormously. I am both lucky and grateful.
* My partner has playfully banned me from jobs that require timely organisation or filing (like paying bills and filing statements). I am happy to hand over the tasks, because they just cause me frustration.
* I find that once my partner sets up a filing/organisation system, I can follow it. But he has to set it up first, and he’s learned that.
ADD has been a relatively easy problem to navigate – but I think that is mainly due to my partner’s personality in the first place, and our ability to laugh about it. I’ve also suffered depression, which is not as easy for us. It’s a much bleaker problem, with no room for humour. Virtues such as patience, gentleness and insight are needed at those times. Thankfully, he has all of those, and I believe they do help in the recovery process.
Writing about this has just reminded me about how lucky I am to have the partner that I do. I imagine I would drive someone else completely bonkers 😉
Wow, Kimberley, I feel stunned by the practical value of your posting. I also feel a bit worried that I have narcissistic tendencies, as shown by my expression of admiration for your posting. The signs you point to must be easier to identify as risk factors looking back than at the time (hindsight is 20-20). I would add another sign — occasional feelings early on of stronger than normal negative emotions. I think that our unconscious mind (called by some implicit cognition) occasionally creates strong negative emotions before the more rational part of our mind identifies what is wrong. However, the negative emotions get mixed with positive emotions and we don’t take decisive action. That’s all very psychological — what do you think?
What a great story. Sometimes a romance is wonderful thing!
Hi Jade,
I’m sorry to hear about your sister-in-law. I think family members and friends are often the first to notice signs of trouble. Mine suffered right along side me! You might like to source this book for your sister-in-law. I came across it last year and was amazed by it’s content. Interestingly, the author describes himself as having narcissistic disorder.
S. Vaknin (2007). Malignant Self Love. Narcissus Publications, Prague & Skopje.
The author also has a website: http://samvak.tripod.com
On a lighter note your own relationship sounds terrific and a good example of how to work together as a team.
All the best
Hi John,
Lol. Your comments were very nice (thank you) and not at all reflective of a person with narcissistic tendencies! I agree, hindsight is 20-20. Your comment that we may experience occasional feelings early on of stronger than normal negative emotions triggered a memory. Early in the relationship my ex would often turn-up uninvited (home and functions I had told him about!). Sometimes I would ask my sister to tell him I was out. At the time I remember feeling distinctly uncomfortable but pushed this feeling aside in favour of the more positive ones. It was only much later (years) when I began to rationalise and take decisive action. This is interesting and does suggest that some sort of non-conscious feeling may precede cognition. Do you think that emotions or affect precede cognitive processing, i.e. do you believe that our thoughts are produced by initial emotional responses?
Ht Kimberley. There is research evidence that emotions sometimes precede thoughts. Implicit (unconscious) thinking tends to be reflexive, spontaneous, and quick. It may lead to emotions before we know (through explicit thinking) the cause of the emotions. So it is good to take note if a romantic partner does something that gives you the willies. Some individuals with personality disorders will engage in behaviour that leads to extremely negative emotions in others. Sometimes this occurs early in a relationship — sometimes much later. The behaviour can vary with very appealing behaviour, putting the partner on an emotional roller coaster.
Thanks for the book and web sites references in your other posting. I like the name of the publisher, Narcissus!
wow – what an interesting run of posts.
I have a ADD daughter and I feel your partners frustration. It is great that you have taken so much control of the disorder and prepared your partner. It shows allot of insight into your personality.
My ex husband and daughters father is what I think would fit the narcissistic personality. He took some time to back off, I had to make big decisions to be firm with him and take control of the situation after our split. It has been a long time now, he still likes to control from a distance.
I wonder what sort of personality it makes me ? I guess my study will soon tell me 🙂
Regards Casey
Hi Casey (and everyone),
It’s interesting that you mention control. Perhaps the pursuit of control (or maybe the fear of losing control) might ultimately be the central feature of narcissistic disorder?
I love your question. I’ve also wondered what kind of personality is attracted to (or attracts) a person with narcissistic tendencies? I’m not sure if there is a certain type of person (with particular traits), at least not in the early stages of the relationship. I think the initial phases of the relationship are much the same as in any other (attraction, desire, falling in love). Both individuals initially try to show the best of themselves, however, it’s only later that you realise how deceptive narcissistic personalities can be.
In my experience I started out as one type of personality and ended up very different. In fact, I would go as far as to say I lost ‘almost’ all knowledge of who I was. I suppose you could argue that I must have been clingy, overly emotional, masochistic even, etc, etc, however, is this really you or what you have become as a result of the interaction within the (unhealthy) relationship? I think the experience of living with narcissism led to utter confusion and it’s taken me three years to know myself again ( a work in progress!).
Is your study about this? It’s a great topic for a thesis.
Best wishes
Hi Kimberley
I think control becomes a key feature in this sort of relationship. For me my relationship was built on his pursuit of control and my lack of taking control.
Yes and now 11 years on I am very much focused on not loosing control of myself. I know the clingy, overly emotional, masochistic faze… it is not pretty and even a little Bridgette Jone Neurotic…. I have had a second failed relationship (ew) and that failed for much the same reason. Hence my question !
I don’t go over it that much, but i do think it has made me as a person. In that having to take control of a situation and not letting the situation take control of me has built my confidence into not being a pushover.
Regards Casey
Jade – think you handle your ADD really well, in terms you have a great understanding of yourself and know your own weaknesses and can communicate it to your partner. It’s of great value to your partner to know how to handle it with you, think some of the success is just as much the insight you have of yourself.
John – I too have had red flags along the way of the relationship. I’ve been telling myself that I have to trust my own intuition more. It’s not like I didn’t sense something was wrong, but I chosed to beleive a more positive view. Is this what you mean when you talk of non-conscious feeling may precede cognition? Non-conscious feeling = intuition?
Kimberly – I recognize the feeling of having lost yourself and be very confused after a unhealthy relationship. I think I was rather naive to begin with and it’s like the world is not quite the same afterwards. I have to take all the new knowledge with me and figure out how eactly it fits into the way I view the world. Since it doesn’t fit anymore, I will have to change my perspective of the world a little bit and figure out how exactly I fit into it myself, and that takes time.
Hi Eria. Yes, it is wise to pay attention to feelings about a person, both positive and negative feelings. Sometimes we sense something unconsciously or intuitively. Working out a romantic relationship over the long run is difficult. Most dating relationships go bad and end. About half of marriages go bad and end. Some marriages continue with one or both partners dissatisfied with the relationship. The complexities of a romantic relationship include the different perspectives of the two individuals, the strong emotions and desires involved, the high (but perhaps different) hopes of the two individuals — maybe you or some other reader will tell us more complexities. Relationships are a high-stakes challenge with skill, luck, and persistence involved in success. One way to look at failed relationships is that they provide a valuable (if painful) learning experience. The strong emotions and cognitive fixation they sometimes produce can help propel us toward learning important lessons that make success in a future relationship more likely.
Hi John & Everyone,
my husband has ADHD, we’ve been together for eight years and its been quite a ride. He is always “on the go”, he’s got quite a lively personality, which was the first thing that caught my attention anyway (I’m not a bubbly person at all). Sometimes our relationship can be frustrating as he can not do “normal” things like most people, such as sitting still in a restaurante or even managing to sit still to watch a movie. However, he can focused very well on tasks that he enjoys, I would say he can kind of hyperfocus and become completely absorved into it. The good news is the hyperactivity does get better with time, he isn’t as speed up as he used to be, aging is the best medicine 🙂
Marielle
Hi Marielle. Various psychological problems tend to lessen as individuals move toward middle age, e.g., ADHD, OCD, borderline personality disorder, and violent criminal behavior. Thanks goodness there is some benefit to getting older! Your message makes me think that some partner characteristics that create problems can be very appealing in the right circumstances — leading to mixed (sometimes jumbled!) feelings in the partner.
I agree with you John some individual problems can be very appealing in the right circumstances. Last year I went to a wedding with my husband, and a women approached me and said: “Your husband is quite a dancer, you are so lucky, my husband would never dance with me”. After that many other ladies came to me and made positive comments about my husband and how he got the moves … lol. What I didn’t tell them is that he is unable to sit still, as a consequence he is always the live of the party. Although I find his lively personality very charming, I would LOVE to be able to just sit down and have a romantic dinner with him. He is 37 years, he is getting better with time, but I would like to speed things up a bit. Do you think is too late to seek treatment ? I’ve been trying to convince him to see a doctor.
Marielle
Hi. Drug treatment is possible; also, some individuals benefit from using compensatory mechanisms. You can find books on adult ADHD by searching for those terms at amazon.com. Alternatively, you could search Google for info.
Hello John and everyone,
My daughter was in a very controlling relationship. Now her ex partner controls her through their soon to be two year old child. He threatens her with selling her house, wanting half her super but worst shared visits with their child and wants to take him to NZ. I have seen my grand son, cry with tears but no sound, break lots of my ornaments and laugh and say sorry, he was banging his head, now scratches his face or my daughter’s or my neck. He wont let my daughter out of his sight. William’s behaviour seems to have improved since not spending 3 times a week with his father but now 3 times a fortnight since last court hearing. William is a smart little boy and can count already to ten. He also was whispering “Mummy” wouldnt say it allowed. When my daughter told the Family report social worker she was told that she is reading too much into it and that it was normal baby behaviour, not to blame her ex. My daughter was charmed and wooed at the beginning then intimidated, blamed, isolated, denied, belittled and so close to loosing who she was and believing that she was a useless person.Her ex also continually broke her personal things one by one just here and there. I cant see an end to it as he has a hold on William with the courts blessing. He now has photos of William of scratches and grazes and mosquito bite that he threatens my daughter with blackmail. I am sure he will take them to court next time but as he said himself William is at the age where he gets knocks and bumps. Any advise would be great. My daughters psychologist said that her ex has a personality disorder and suffers with Narcissim.
It’s all good, working on the positives. Focusing on my daughter and grandson. Sorry i sound like a case.