Do you treat your dog better than you treat your spouse? Psychologist Suzanne Phillips of Long Island University says that it happens. When we return home, who gets a pleasant comment and a rub? It is often Rover, who jumps on us, licks, us, and showers us with love. Spouses may be cooking, caring for children, or discussing a business deal on the phone; dogs have few such distractions. When Spot does something wrong such as running off for hours after dark, are we forgiving when the mutt returns? Are we that forgiving when “the little woman” (or “the big man”?) comes home late? When Blackie greets a guest with licks and a sniff of the private areas, do we object angrily? You can guess where I am going here, so I need not be explicit.
What makes for the difference in our behavior? One possibility is that we expect less of a dog than a spouse. Might we be happier if we expected less of our romantic partners or showed more understanding and forgiveness or “took” the partner’s ill-advised behavior less personally? Another possibility is that dogs are more subservient/admiring/loving than spouses and we like being treated that way. Your spouse might like that treatment too. Remember, behavior tends to be reciprocated. So try treating your partner as well as you treat your dog. Give your spouse a rub, take him or her for a walk, and show warm regard and understanding. The chances of your partner jumping on you and licking you when you come home may go up.
To read more about what pets can teach us about human relationships, see http://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2010/04/can-pets-improve-your-relationship/
John Malouff, PhD
Associate Professor of Psychology
I’m afraid I’m more of a cat-person; clean, quite, self-reliant, independant, intuitive and only likes attention when in the mood. Perhaps my partner (and I) would be happier if I were a dog-person.
I like the suggestion that if we are to expect less, or rather, have no expectations (which might mean being more self-contained, and therefore, cat-like), romantic relationship may function better. Its worth considering.
However, dogs are very excepting and unconditional, unlike a cat, which will let you know without a doubt, if you annoy them.
Enjoying the blog and food for thought, thanks.
Hi there. Very interesting comment! I will write soon about romances that involve a dog-person and a cat-person.
Hi John
How amusing! Only yesterday morning, I was ‘venting’ to a friend about how lonely marriage can be. I feel that I rarely touch my husband anymore. And yet, I have such a wonderful touchy-feeling close feeling with my children. We tickle, we hug, we kiss, we tickle some more. However, if for instance, during the day I hug my husband (apart from if he is upset or in public!) then that will be taken as a come-on, you know, sex is on the cards – and so I smack him, laugh, tell him he’s a chancer etc. But in real terms, on a more serious note, for our relationship, it means less touching, holding, kissing (apart from when sex is on the cards of course!).
“Might we be happier if we expected less of our romantic partners or showed more understanding and forgiveness or “took” the partner’s ill-advised behavior less personally?”
No! Less than optimal behaviour to a life-partner by the other partner should of course be taken personally. If that’s not personal, then what is?
“Another possibility is that dogs are more subservient/admiring/loving than spouses and we like being treated that way. Your spouse might like that treatment too.”
No! We have both always owned dogs, we love them sure and they are dear the way they are always so pleased to see us and seem to love our company. But no, I don’t let dogs in the house, and often don’t bother to feed them until morning if it’s too cold/late at night when I finally find some time to think about the outdoor animals – so no hubby is better treated!
“Remember, behavior tends to be reciprocated. So try treating your partner as well as you treat your dog. Give your spouse a rub, take him or her for a walk, and show warm regard and understanding. The chances of your partner jumping on you and licking you when you come home may go up.”
Yes! Exactly, that’s the problem, he will most definitely jump on me and lick me … and I haven’t had enough to drink yet!
So, in summary, our dogs expect very little of us, and perhaps why they get a little bit more. Our spouses expect so much from us, often with little regard or thought as to what has gone on in our days. As a good friend of mine (female) often says, sex (ie good relationship) starts in the kitchen. No you naughty things, minds out of gutters please. What she means is that good warm relations between partners mean hooking up with them mentally first, helping them practically and then once that “together we’re strong” feeling kicks in (from good partnerning) all the rest flows sweetly on! We’ve only got ourselves and eachother to blame if relationships aren’t fulfilling and yet we are often so slow to talk these things out to eachother – makes us feel vulnerable to lack of support I guess.
Hi Rachel. I like your “yes” and “no” reactions to my comments. You considered each proposition and either accepted it or rejected it. What is the way forward for you in your relationship?
Hi Rachel
Nice comments!
I agree we expect less from the humble puppy than we do from our spouse. My dog is my best mate, we go for a nice long walk in the morning, she meets me at the car in the evening and she loves hearing about my frustrations for the day.
Cant say i have had the same success with a spouse! Maybe i could give him the same attention i give my dog….
thanks
Hi Casey. Dogs could make excellent psychotherapists. At their best, they are nonjudgmental, accepting, caring, enthusiastic….
Loved the article. Given tomorrow is my wedding anniversary, I may present my husband with the idea that he will receive the same amount of love, devotion and attention that Joe, our dog gets. No doubt he will be very pleased with that as Joe considers himself King of Castle.
We used to have two dogs, Joe and an older dog called Ebony AKA blacky, but she died last year. My husband actually gave her to me as a wedding gift and losing her left me broken-hearted… She was a huge part of the family, she had travelled all over the country with us either by plane or car. kept me company for months on end while husband was away soldering, never complained when it was time for a bath – would just sit there and put up with it – she knew the theme songs to TV shows as her walks would coincide with the conclusion of a program and she would come over and give you a nuzzle and then amble off to wait at the gate. She was gentle, inquisitive and very naughty as a puppy… dug up everything, pulled clothes off the line, chewed a hole through the laundry wall (suffered from separation anxiety)….
While it may sound very odd, I have to admit that the dogs, important members of our family, do get the unconditional love that we humans sometimes forget to give each other. Will endeavour to be better going forward.
Hi Julie-ann. I can tell that you had great affection for Ebony. Just as dogs can learn from humans, humans can learn from dogs. We could all do worse than to copy the finest traits of dogs.
Well, our surviving dog Joe thinks I am professor Pavlov and he is teaching me all kinds of tricks that involve more food for him.
Is it weird of me to get my feelings hurt on a daily basis cause of how my husband is constantly giving our dog (his when we came into the marriage) ??
Like he can make me cry daily because our (his) dog gets all the cuddling affection and attention… I would love to get just half of what he gives to the dog… my husband is always worried about our dogs feelings and never takes mine into consideration…
Hi Mandi. That is an unfortunate situation for you.
Very enlightening, I think that what often gets thrown in this mix that shouldn’t be is the level of love that’s reciprocated. I think every human being wants some level of affection, but what really becomes alarming is when we see the level of love we want is handed out to people who we perceive a threat. Ex: husband doesn’t want to held you around the house but more than edger to assist the window next door with her issues.
This is where our JEALOUSY (and love level) CAN REALLY COME IN HANDY.
Just to put this out my BF never complained I was too needy until he started showing signs of liking someone else’s wife. He would take trips over to see her, put the worm on the hook for her, repair things for her when I couldn’t even get him to support his own family… just some tips. Don’t EVER let someone dismiss you’re intuition like that.