What personality characteristics of your partner are associated with your feeling satisfied with your romantic relationship?
Some colleagues and I put together all the studies on this question and found that of the “Big 5” personality characteristics, low partner neuroticism was mostly highly associated with relationship satisfaction. Also associated with relationship satisfaction were high partner agreeableness, conscientiousness, and extroversion.
What do these findings, from over a dozen studies with a total of almost 4,000 participants, have to do with you?
They suggest that you might be more satisfied with your romantic relationship if you find a partner who is not very neurotic (who does not often have negative emotions, such as anger, anxiety, and depression), who is pleasant and accommodating, who is self-disciplined and organized, and who is outgoing.
Do these ideas fit with your experiences?
Who is writing this blog and asking all these questions? Is it Socrates? No, I am John Malouff, an associate professor of psychology at the University of New England, Australia. Since I earned a PhD in clinical psychology at Arizona State University in 1984 I have co-authored five books and over 70 journal articles on psychology. I owe the idea for this blog to my marketing and media consultant, Henriette Caspersen.
Hi John,
Thanks for your post. Based on the three main de-facto relationships I have experienced, I can confidently say that the greatest relationship satisfaction was encountered in the relationships where my partner and I were relatively stable (for lack of a better word). I found that, in general, in the early part of the relationship, stability was less important then say the novelty and intense excitement that goes along with getting to know someone intimately. These early stages, for me, have often been characterised by an unstable dynamic. Whether this reflects nerves on my part, her part or something else entirely, however, I am unsure. However, once we settled into the day-to-day mechanics of a de-facto relationship, a lack of emotional awareness, volatility and negative reactions to our interpersonal challenges (particularly personal attacks when fighting) was not only toxic, but contagious. I think that this fits perfectly with what your research shows. In my experience, when the negative reactions start to become the normal response to difficulties and challenges, the self-discipline, organisation and extraversion rapidly fly out the door too. Interestingly, I think that this applies as much to day to day challenges as a single person as it does as to a romantic relationship.
Maybe one of the buffers against these types of reactions is to talk about it with others. Friends, family and sometimes just anyone that will listen. The other antidote that comes to mind is confidence and believing in your own potential as well as the potential of both your partner the relationship you share. However, I reckon that it requires an ability to talk openly and honestly in order to navigate a path through what has happened in order to let go of those negative emotions long enough to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, when your trapped in the cycle of negative emotions this is really difficult to do without help.
I wonder if feeling like you are misunderstood or unheard – characterised by these negative emotions – can prevent you from being open and honest in your relationship. Sometimes, you don’t want to hurt the other person by telling them how misunderstood or hurt you feel because, ironically, you feel like they are the only one that understands you. This then leads to a build up of negative emotions in the relationship. I know it sounds a bit illogical, but I have felt a bit like this from time to time. In this sense, I could see how being a bit neurotic could be a problem in a romantic relationship.
I agree that behavior loaded with negative emotions can be contagious. One way to change that dynamic is to behave purposely in ways loaded with positive emotions. This could lead to contagion of the positive type. What goes round comes round.
My son was talking with some older friends and aquaintances, and their discussion was interesting regarding getting the right ‘woman’. She can be over weight, ugly, tall, skinny, any coloured hair, as long as she accepts you for who you are. Apparently men don’t want women to change them. If a woman marries a man then she should have him as he is and not try to change him. It’s not prettiness that counts when a man wants a relationship, it is a woman who can be pleasant and accepting of her man. And so the conversation went on. Neurotic is absolutely a no no!
Hmm don’t they know that the woman just wants to refine him… You know, the man is the pot or pan, and the woman is the crystal glass. He wants to toughen her up and she wants him to refine himself a little. This is where the challenge is I think. I;m married for about 38 years now. I’m defininitely not a crystal glass anymore and my man is not so tough as a pan. We have come somewhere in the middle.
The challenge is keeping it interesting for all that time. It is possible but it takes two to tango. So open lines of communication is a must, do things together, and have time for yourself, and the taking of offense must be thrown out the door. Oh so much to say on this subject, but I must get on with my work. I hope I’m not boring anyone.
Hi Gabrielle. You’re giving good advice. Flexibility in behaviour, compromise, and open communication are good for couples (friends, nations, companies, etc.).