Steven Covey, who recently died, wrote bestselling books on habits of successful people. He was highly successful himself, making millions of dollars with his books and related products. You can read about the Seven Habits at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Seven_Habits_of_Highly_Effective_People or read one of his books. I just sent info about his seven habits of successful teens to my two children.

Today I want to write about one of his seven habits: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood. This policy obviously is important for psychotherapists. It also works well for parents, work supervisors, coaches, and others. This week I suggested the concept to a client having marital problems. Taking the perspective of another person, discerning the person’s motivations and emotions, and trying to understand those are hallmarks of emotional intelligence. Knowledge is power, and knowledge of another person gives one power in a relationship — power that most people use for good purposes such as keeping the relationship happy and productive. One thing I have learned is that work supervisors mostly want employees to go along, so I listen carefully when the boss speaks and try to go along, even though I know I do not have to. I think how much I would like employees to go along if I were the boss and I had not much power over them. That thought tells me what to do in matters that are not of tremendous importance to me.

It is not always easy (or even possible) to listen to others, but it often (but not always) valuable to do. Do you listen more than you speak? Does that pay off for you?

John Malouff, PhD
Associate Professor of Psychology