Men want sex and women need love?

by | Jun 6, 2011 | Uncategorized | 11 comments

In recruiting participants for her romantic-relationships study, UNE student Kimberley Coulter has become a darling of the media, with descriptions of her as a Research Scholar, Miss Excitement, and Dr Feelgood. So I invited her to write a guest posting for my blog. I will put it below.

John Malouff, PhD, JD
Associate Professor of Psychology

Men want sex and women need love? Is sex still the domain of men?
by Kimberley Coulter

I’m currently researching the effects of an intervention designed to increase excitement in romantic relationships. Sex is an obvious source of excitement and is an important part of my program. In my quest for participants, I have been surprised to hear the old stereotype that men want sex whilst women want love. I recently informed a radio presenter that I believed this was a rather sexist, outdated view. Apparently, I was wrong. A quick glance at Amazon.com revealed that the old stereotype is alive and well.

According to one, recently published, author, men and women want different things from a relationship and have widely different sexual attitudes and behaviours. Moreover, nothing much has really changed for hundreds of thousands of years in terms of men and women’s differing sexual urges and drives. Is this true?

Recent research suggests otherwise. In 2010, Petersen & Hyde, reported on a diverse range of studies and found little evidence for any substantial gendered sexual differences. Although some differences were found, evidence suggests that these reflect women’s tendency to under-report aspects of their sexuality. In other words, gender differences represent an artefact of socially desirable responding resulting from the continuing stigma associated with women’s sexuality. Overall, the researchers concluded that there is little difference between men and women‘s sexuality and any differences that are found are decreasing over time.

I tend to feel that men and women alike both enjoy sex, and men and women alike crave love and affection. What do you think? Is female sexual expression inhibited or do women need love and men sex?

11 Comments

  1. I think that some women inhibit themselves sexually, and that almost everyone wants love. Sexual interest and sexual behavior are more socially acceptable for men than for women. Some women may try to confine their sexuality within the bounds of social expectation; other women do what they want but quietly, to avoid negative social consequences. Still other women do what they please and flaunt their choices. I wonder which group is the happiest.

  2. Hi John and Kimberley
    I’d like to offer a big congratulations to Kimberly or Dr Feel Good as she is now known, for having the courage to go on the radio with her study. As I know you, and consider you to be a valued friend I am very proud of you. Go Girl.
    I have asked my 19 year old daughter for her opinion on love and sex and what is happening in her social world regarding this topic. Here is what she has had to say. I think she was more embarrassed in disclosing than what I was in listening.
    “Hey guys, as a nineteen year old girl, (Alex) its fair to say that sex has become a part of my life. My group of friends, range from 16 year to 32 years old, and while some feel different, the majority of my friends consider sex fun, but not associated with love. The most part of my friends are single, not looking for relationships and are purely after sex after a night out. I suppose this makes everyone I know a sex fiend ha ha. Surprisingly, the most part of my friends (I have a lot of both male and female friends) looking for sex, are females. I dont believe in this stereotype, men and women are alike, in my opinion, both have cravings that they need to fulfill, but they are not always about being loved. Everyone just wants some fun.
    Well, there it is. I just asked Alex if there was any need as suggested by her cravings comment, wanting intimacy she said no, just fun. When I defined what intimacy was she said that they all like the kissing and cuddling before and after. So she is happy and her girlfriends seem to be happy with who they are. They are all open about their sexuality and laugh and joke about it. Love, yes I hear them say they want it, they voice their fantasies, yet when the opportunity arises they find every excuse not to go there. From my observations they like who they are and are comfortable in their own skin, they enjoy each others company, (the sister hood lives on). Maybe they just haven’t met the person who is going to “float their boat” as they say.
    Listening to her, I had a thought that times have changed, however I remember when I was her age and going out with the girls for a big night out. Sex wasn,t on the agenda, ( but a bonus) but how wolf whistles and pick up lines were. There was an ulterior motive back then and that was to find the one and get serious (whatever that meant). My girlfriends and I made a point of sticking together, until each one found love, not sex but love. They had sex first before love. Maybe times haven’t changed so much after all. Then again social expectations have increased. Young people are more independent in their thinking, they expect more and demand more. Yet as a I write this I can see another side, the submissive ones who maintain the inhibitory state of being. I guess it depends on ones, history. I raised my daughter to be independent, to be herself and not have to adhere to social rules just because they are there. To think and evaluate the consequences of her actions and to make rational and logical decisions for herself based on this information. I don’t know if her friends parents raised their daughters in a similar way, but they certainly act like it. Love; they seem to be more free spirited. Are they connected to the self? I don’t think so. But hey they are having fun and are experimenting. Do they even know what love is? Then again do any of us know what love is? Is it not a perception,a delusional state maybe, an emotional connection that we decide upon and can then turn on and off, just like a light switch.
    I look at me now, in comparison to where and who I was, my ideals, dreams and aspirations. I still wonder what love is. Having said that I have been fortunate to have experienced unconditional love from my two dogs Toby and Lucy. They are always happy to see me. But then again is that because they can’t open their cereal bowls? I suppose if they were free and unconstrained they would feed in the wild and connect with like kind? Love, have I become cynical? Most likely. Do we humans offer it without conditions. Not form what I have seen and experienced. Sex mmm, different story, there is good sex and there is lousy sex, depends upon a balance between give and take. If one can place their mind in a space that does not construct a fantasy bond, one can enjoy the moment for what it is, or supposed to be, fun……….. Have you ever looked at the sexual act while you are engaging in it, analysed it moment by moment, each thought, each movement, each sound that you make, that he or she makes, every utterance, what is it that makes the skin to skin contact feel so good. No? Why not try it.

  3. I think that most women and men are probably pretty much in the same ballpark as each other in regards to wanting sex and love. That siad, among my own circle of friends and my past lovers (I’m a 39 y/o man and my lovers have been women) I have noticed some male/female differences in regards to sex. Here’s just two examples:

    (1) I used to complain to a female friend that I couldn’t get sex, but that she could easily walk into any bar and pick any single guy she wanted. She had no sympathy for me. She said she didn’t WANT any guy and that casual sex isn’t satisfying (not because of absence of love, but because men tend to be bad lovers). I think her attitude is typical for women, and mine is typical for men. For some reason, more men are wanting and willing to have sex with more women, than are women with men.

    (2) Some men will go to extraordinary lengths to have sex. I remember one male friend who had just met a woman, and he accepted an invitation from her to go spend the day with her extended family some hours away. He did this, not because he thought he would enjoy himself or because he was THAT interested in getting to know her, but because he thought he’d get sex out of it. It was a cost-benefit calculation. Many men see prostitutes. Not just once, but regularly. Some 15 years ago I saw a prostitute. Perhaps she wasn’t very good, but I remember thinking “I can’t believe guys pay for this!” It was the most unengaging, unpassionate, boring sexual experience of my life. At times over the past 15 years I’ve been climbing the wall, but I’ve never even been tempted to see a prostitute again. But lots of guys do. Maybe they see good ones? Maybe their idea of good sex, or acceptable sex, is very different to mine? In any case, I don’t know a single woman who has ever paid for sex.

  4. In response to jmalouff (June 6th),

    I’d wager that group C (do want they want and flaunt) is the happiest, sexually. Then group B (do want they want, on the quiet) as a close second. Lagging far behind: group A (confine themselves). I wonder how you’d research it!

  5. Hi & thank you for your responses!

    I tend to agree that sexual interest and behaviour are still more socially acceptable for men at least in my age group (despite Sex and The City). However, I’m encouraged by Alex and her friends less puritanical attitude toward sex compared to me at the same age (very long time ago). Alex’s comments suggest to me that women are becoming less inhibited about expressing their sexuality.

    In the past, I have tended to belong to the group that confines their sexuality (very conservative family). I think I agree with Christopher that this would probably be the least happiest group. However, I may now have one foot in John’s other group where I do what I want, but quietly! Better, but either way I’m probably still trying to avoid negative consequences. As Sharon points out the way you are raised has a major impact on your choices. It’s hard to shake off conventional values that have been drummed into you even if you want to.

    Anyhow, I agree that most people want love and I also feel that the extent to which we as individuals want sex or love (or both) depends on a number of factors. For example, sex drive (although once again we usually hear that men have stronger sex drives than women), intimacy needs, time of life, personality types, etc.

    Question for Christopher: Do you think men are just seeking sex when they pay or are some of them trying to buy love or at least some form of intimacy?

    Best wishes, Kimberley

  6. When it comes to sexual desires, I expect that men as a group and women as a group are similar. However, there are some big differences from one individual to another. Some men and women have low levels of sexual interest; some have high levels. Most individuals are in the middle. Level of sexual desire is normally distributed!

  7. Hi Kimberley,

    Thanks for inviting me to your blog!

    Re men seeking intimacy when paying for sex … Well, I’ve heard that some men are seeking intimacy when they pay for sex, and it makes sense to me that this would be the case. Question for you: Why do you think women DON’T do this? Is it because (A) women and men are biologically/psychically different, or (B) men and women the same, but (a) women who want sex/intimacy just pick up, because that’s what women can do, and (b) women who don’t seek intimacy in sex are inhibiting their desire (because the desire is socially unacceptable)?

    Response to Sharon … On behalf of the 18-year-old me, I’m envious of your daughter’s freedom 🙂

    Response to jamlouff … if sexual desire is equally distributed for women and men, do you think the only reason for the different ways that men and women behave sexually is different socialisation?

  8. Roy Baumeister, a famous psychologist, recently wrote about feeling disappointed that his sexual economics theory has been rejected or ignored by other psychologists. The theory posits that men have a higher sex drive than women and therefore offer women resources such as money, respect, attention, love, commitment, and status in exchange for sex. The price varies according to the balance of supply and demand. He thinks his theory and related research findings were too politically incorrect to become popular. Might there be some truth in his theory, at least with regard to some men, women, and situations? Might women implicitly offer the same sorts of resources for sex in some situations?

  9. Hi Christopher & John,

    I read an article a while back suggesting that some women do pay for sex, particularly business women who are financially independent. I wonder what their motivation is, particularly if its true that they can easily source sex elsewhere and not pay?

    For some (yet unknown) reason sexual economics theory makes me uncomfortable. It doesn’t seem to take into account women’s sexual desires. I’ll have to read more about it. I wonder if women ever have sex with no other purpose other than pure sexual gratification?

    I also wonder why we always seem to concentrate on the differences between males and females as opposed to the similarities?

    Best wishes, Kimberley

  10. Hi Kim,

    Interesting content. I think focusing on the similarities between women and men is a good thing. Focusing on the differences causes problems in relationships. My husband and I regard each other as people not stereo type genders, we find that this has worked well.

    regards, Margaret.

  11. I can understand why Baumeisters theory was rejected. I have observed numerous couples getting together , not because they are well suited but because they believe that they are getting on (in their 40’s), there will be no-one else. Desperation?
    From what I hear and observe, men and women in this age group who do not own or paying off their own home will seek out a partner who they percieve will support them financially. Therefore satisfying security needs. Sex is just a part of the agreement. What I hear is that both sexes would rather be with somone, anyone rather than be alone. Do men really feel the need to risk all they have worked for, just for sex on tap? Do women for that matter? I have seen it happen with numerous people and sex wasn’t the primary driver, they were all very needy and dependent in different ways. Feeling empty and wanting to connect and belong with someone.
    Offering money, respect, attention, love and committment and status in exchange for sex. How can it be possible for a male to have respect for his partner and still expect her to put out when he requires it, just because he has a high sex drive. If she doesn’t match it then, it would be obvious by her behaviour that she doesn’t want to participate or is only doing it to make him happy so as to continue recieving fringe benefits. Is she then forced to participate, as a result of tangibles or approval being withheld? Does this not then constitute rape? Or at the very least domestic violence? Does he really respect her as a person? Is he not telling her, I am giving you all these things to put out for me, I am paying you to prostitute your self to me, I own you, I will tell you that I love you and am committed to you while ever you keep providing me with sex?
    If sexual economiccs theory incorporated the needing to belong to anybody, low rates of discernment, low self esteem, history of rejection and personality factors, then he might be on a winner.
    I also know a lot of men and woman who have been successful in material acquisition, have self confidence and self esteem and are not looking for a partner yet they still have normal sexual appetites. They enjoy their freedom, and total self efficacy. Some of these people have experienced the lecherous types who say that they are only looking for some fun but when it comes down to it they don’t want to let go and become stalkers. Maybe this could be a factor that contributes to the the utilisation of prostites due to the perception of safety and anonymity. Could power be a factor? Wow can you imagine a woman in that position who can afford to pay top dollar to a man for sex. Who calls the shots, she does. What a reversal in social roles and expectations. Is it really any different to men going?
    Maybe the men and woman who are extremely unattractive and are unable to attract a sexual partner seek out prostitutes for intimacy as well as sexual gratification.

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *