I just read a book titled “Crucial Conversations” (2012) about how we engage in conversations that are crucial in the sense the conversations involve opposing opinions, high stakes, and strong emotions. These conversations occur with family members, fellow employees, and others. We can usually spot these conversation in retrospect by how annoyed we felt and acted and by little of value we accomplished. We may avoid the conversations entirely and thereby let a problem fester. I have had crucial conversations that went wrong, but I am more inclined to let an interpersonal problem fester. The book offers a book-worth of strategies for making just about sure that the conversations go well and we accomplish what we really want (which usually is not to enrage the other person). I will give just the starting two suggestions of the book: (1) Identify as soon as possible that a conversation is crucial; (2) think deeply about what you want to accomplish with the conversation. For instance, you might want to change the behavior of your teenage son, who has carelessly broken your iPod, so that he is more careful in the future. That is a different goal from making him feel stupid or angry or damaging your relationship with him.

What specific crucial conversations have you handled well? With what methods and outcomes? Which crucial conversations have you muffed? How could you handle a conversation like that better in the future?

John Malouff, PhD
Associate Professor of Psychology